because its okay to be emotional

last weekend we had a tiny baby pass on to the next life. it started at about 0100 and he was just crashing. his saturations were in the 60s on 100% oxygen. his heart rate kept dropping. the fellow and the resident tried everything. pushing bicarb, platelets, FFP, needle aspiration, hand bagging. nothing was working. blood was coming out his breathing tube. we had to call mom who was still in postpartum.

i know im a closet emotional person (100% resting bitch face but i could cry at the drop of the pin if prompted) but there is nothing to prepare you for the moment you see mom holding her dying baby. its beautiful, heartbreaking, poetic, a tragedy. by 0400 he was gone. in moms arms. i cried.

i couldnt help but think of my own mother and how seemingly easy i came into the world and so thankful she did not have to deal with this. i cant imagine being excited that you birthed this tiny, tiny human, full of hope and future, only having to say goodbye two days later. what does she do now? just go home? pretend like it didnt happen? what does she tell everyone else? so much aftermath to deal with.

we have a great bereavement team on the floor at my hospital. theres so many things we do to try and preserve the fleeting memory of babies who pass. we take post mortem pictures, frame hand prints, foot prints. we put everything that ever touched the baby into a box. the blanket that hung over his isolette, his blood pressure cuff, a diaper, his thermometer. we give these boxes to the mother to solidify the fact that they had a baby. that even though he mightve only been on this earth for a short time, he was a human. he lived. he was taken care of. he was loved.

i know being a nicu baby isnt easy. the constant pokes for labs, being woken up for assessments, medicine after medicine. i absolutely love seeing the babies grow. sometimes even from micro premies to becoming po ad lib and going home. one baby just went home this week who had been here for months. born so early she had such a poor prognosis. the day she moved from an isolette to a bassinet i almost choked! what! when did she grow this big!? the day i heard she was bottle feeding i let out a  little scream.  when i heard she became po ad lib i just burst out laughing. there was no way this tiny baby who i took care of when she first arrived was able to be po ad lib! the last step to going home?! i just couldnt believe she left until i saw her empty bedside. and i didnt even get to say goodbye.

it is such a fun/nervewracking journey to watch these kiddos grow. you laugh, you cry, you get frustrated, you feel proud. the nicu is no stranger to powerful emotions. so its okay to cry, or laugh. its watching a life grow right in front of your eyes. its also watching a life move on from this world.  its not an easy job. its a day to day job where the plan can change overnight if a baby doesnt do too well. its an emotional job. a job i am proud to have.

because its okay to cry after your first shift on nights

there really is nothing to prepare you for your first night shift. 

ill just take a cat nap before i leave ill be totally fine! no. no, liz, no.

i took a 2 hour nap before my first shift because i was coming back into the city that day and i had a great nights sleep the night before so naturally i thought that would roll over. i didnt have that complicated of a patient load; just a baby who liked to desat and another that liked to puke! nothing that i couldnt handle. the night started out fine- handoff report, safety checks, check total fluid volumes, review the docflow sheet.. yada yada yada

2000 rolls around okay sweet assessment time! i can finally look at my babes and see whats really going on. 

2100 chart

2200 chart vitals and quick snack break

2300 assessment time again? oh alright. lets see those diapies, babies!

0000 chart and write notes

the night goes on in that order. aside from cleaning up the puke and and constantly checking my baby that liked to desat and going up on oxygen and repositioning, it was fine! i was sleepy but fine. until 0300.

0300 - omg its only 3??!

0400 - omg its only 4??!

0500 - omg i cant feel my legs

0600 - omg why do you keep on puking?!?! just stop!!

0700 - where am i? who are you people? would you let me take a nap in this lovely issolette for a sec?

0730 - my relief sleeps in and is a no show. 

what.

cue liz panicking. im basic at this point. i literally cant even. and cue every curse word known to human kind going off in my head.  im basic at this point. i literally cant even. why did this happen on my first night. i really didnt think i could survive giving report to the wonderful nurses throwing themselves at me to get report so i could go home (i guess i looked that bad).

those poor women. i dont think i got a coherent word out. thank god for docflows. 

so naturally i fume and cry the whole hour long car ride home and open the door to my loving boyfriend who happened to be waiting for me at my place and cried my eyes out. he felt so bad he even packed my lunch for me for my next night shift that started in 10 hours.

life is hard and life is harder working nights.

will i survive?!

nobody knows. 

i have been working for 6 weeks and it feels like an eternity

holy heck. how have i just completed my sixth week of orientation. i cant believe i have survived this long and that my brain hasnt exploded from all the information ive been learning. its tough being a new grad with the majority of my nursing experience being with adults because things are so different for neonates. whenever my preceptor asks if i know how to do something or know what drug we would use i always know the answer for adults. sometimes i think itd be easier just working with adults but working with teeny babies is my calling and i cant imagine being anywhere else.

so far, i have had growers & feeders, who were just trying to teach how to feed by bottle and not by NG tube, all the way to a baby who was knocking on deaths door the night before. it has been a whirlwind of an experience and i have loved every minute of it - even the minutes i didnt get to have a lunch because my day was so busy.

i think i have a good handle on most things by now. my day preceptors have said the greatest things about my in my evaluations - that they trust me, im independent but know when to ask questions, im smart. i love hearing these things because sometimes i feel like i have no idea what im doing! im sure every new grad feels this way though, right? right??!

i love being a neo nurse and working with the teeny babies. i do need to write more about it because it helps me decompress and de stress from my shifts. i also have a few thoughts on the hiring process and things that nursing has never taught you, and probably will never. stay tuned!

days on days on days

so i am finally, officially, on the unit. i was even able to get into they pyxis today! which obviously means its official. i am on my second week of orientation and have been learning so much and am so comfortable already. ive had pretty easy kids, the first week was just feeders and growers and this week i have had two isolette babies on oxyen. but they are all so cuddly and cute and i just want to squeeze them and play with their reflexes all day! 

the great thing about my unit is that its a open floor plan so if i need help i can just look around and someone is there. my preceptors have been FANTASTIC and i am so lucky to work at an establishment that really respects and appreciates education. my orientation isnt officially over until march so i still have a long way to go and i am dreading starting nights because the traffic will be insane but i seriously love what i do. i cant wait to go back tomorrow and do more!

intro

okay so i created this blog to help me process feelings or tell stories or just figure things out while being in the NICU. i start officially on monday in an amazing hospital and am so amped and so so nervous! i just hope i am prepared enough because i know very little about neo natal care. but i am eager and a quick learner and can think on my toes and my teamwork skills are off the chart and- wait i am done with interviewing, i have a job now. anyway, i hope i can keep up with this. i wish i had done this in nursing school because i remember having so many patients and few of them who really touched my heart but i cant remember them all and it makes me sad.