last weekend we had a tiny baby pass on to the next life. it started at about 0100 and he was just crashing. his saturations were in the 60s on 100% oxygen. his heart rate kept dropping. the fellow and the resident tried everything. pushing bicarb, platelets, FFP, needle aspiration, hand bagging. nothing was working. blood was coming out his breathing tube. we had to call mom who was still in postpartum.
i know im a closet emotional person (100% resting bitch face but i could cry at the drop of the pin if prompted) but there is nothing to prepare you for the moment you see mom holding her dying baby. its beautiful, heartbreaking, poetic, a tragedy. by 0400 he was gone. in moms arms. i cried.
i couldnt help but think of my own mother and how seemingly easy i came into the world and so thankful she did not have to deal with this. i cant imagine being excited that you birthed this tiny, tiny human, full of hope and future, only having to say goodbye two days later. what does she do now? just go home? pretend like it didnt happen? what does she tell everyone else? so much aftermath to deal with.
we have a great bereavement team on the floor at my hospital. theres so many things we do to try and preserve the fleeting memory of babies who pass. we take post mortem pictures, frame hand prints, foot prints. we put everything that ever touched the baby into a box. the blanket that hung over his isolette, his blood pressure cuff, a diaper, his thermometer. we give these boxes to the mother to solidify the fact that they had a baby. that even though he mightve only been on this earth for a short time, he was a human. he lived. he was taken care of. he was loved.
i know being a nicu baby isnt easy. the constant pokes for labs, being woken up for assessments, medicine after medicine. i absolutely love seeing the babies grow. sometimes even from micro premies to becoming po ad lib and going home. one baby just went home this week who had been here for months. born so early she had such a poor prognosis. the day she moved from an isolette to a bassinet i almost choked! what! when did she grow this big!? the day i heard she was bottle feeding i let out a little scream. when i heard she became po ad lib i just burst out laughing. there was no way this tiny baby who i took care of when she first arrived was able to be po ad lib! the last step to going home?! i just couldnt believe she left until i saw her empty bedside. and i didnt even get to say goodbye.
it is such a fun/nervewracking journey to watch these kiddos grow. you laugh, you cry, you get frustrated, you feel proud. the nicu is no stranger to powerful emotions. so its okay to cry, or laugh. its watching a life grow right in front of your eyes. its also watching a life move on from this world. its not an easy job. its a day to day job where the plan can change overnight if a baby doesnt do too well. its an emotional job. a job i am proud to have.
